“Once an addict, always an addict.” A common phrase amongst 12-step groups. Whether it’s Alcoholics Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous, this phrase is used to acknowledge the overpowering and permanent nature of addiction. The idea is that once you acknowledge that as an addict you will always be an addict, then you will give yourself the ability to make the necessary life changes to live a life of sobriety and happiness. Alcoholics Anonymous (the founding father of 12-step groups) considers addiction to be a disease. You don’t get rid of it; instead you learn to live with it.
But here’s my thing. Addiction isn’t freaking diabetes. It’s not Alzheimer’s. It’s not cystic fibrosis. But let me stop you right there before I go any further to outline a few disclaimers.
1) I am not a professional who has done extensive research on addictions and their permanent or impermanent nature. I especially have limited knowledge on the physical dependency involved in substance addictions.
2) I am speaking from my experience with sex addiction (see footnote). While I have some familiarity with the nature of addictions in general, I most fully understand it from the sex addiction standpoint.
3) If people attend a 12-step group and find that diving fully into the program is the best thing for their healing from addiction, then that is amazing, and I want them to continue that path.
The first 12-step group I attended was the Addiction Recovery Program through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I love this church, and this is my religion. But I found the program to be lacking. Later, I attended Sexaholics Anonymous Lifeline (or SAL). I found SAL to be much more involved and I could see its success. While I found a lot of goodness and growth from this group, it also taught me to consider myself an incurable addict. I came to this realization that the best thing I could do was become an addict in recovery a.k.a. an addict whom, by nature, must always remain an addict. This meant that I could experience a life of happiness free from sexual compulsion. The caveat, however, was that I would have to live a life of certain restrictions and rules in order to keep my recovery going. These life adjustments would function as a sort of medicine to stop me from going back to my old ways.
To me, this meant I would need to continue attending 12-step meetings for the rest of my life. There were several guys in my group who had been attending for decades. Additionally, I would have to work through the 12 steps for the rest of my life. Over and over. Furthermore, I may not be able to have certain freedoms that other people have. Examples include having restricted internet or phone access, avoiding movies and situations where I may see provocative women, or needing to call someone every time I felt a sexual temptation.
I think all of these things are great for someone who is overcoming a difficult addiction! But my gosh. The thought of living that way forever definitely made me feel like something is wrong with me. But I guess that’s the idea right? Something IS wrong with me. And always will be…
So I accepted this fate. I’d always be broken. But one day when I was attending a therapy session with my counselor Steve (who specializes in sex addiction), he put the bug in my ear that maybe I don’t have to be stuck as an addict for the rest of my days. When he said this, I was taken aback. I was expecting him to hold the view of the 12-step groups. Instead, he looked at me and said, “I thought when Christ healed, he healed completely. I didn’t know that when he healed the blind man he said, ‘Okay, so your vision is back, but your left eye is gonna be a little blurry and your night time vision won’t be very good.’ I thought he healed COMPLETELY.” I thought and thought and thought on that. And eventually, I decided that I didn’t want to be an addict forever, and I wasn’t going to be.
When I called up my mom and told her that I decided I didn’t have to be an addict forever, she literally cried. She was so happy because it made her so sad to think that I had decided I would always be this broken addict. She had always believed that I could overcome this fully.
So here it is, I do not believe that anyone is stuck as an eternal addict. The phrase “Once an addict, always an addict” is false in my opinion. Healing can be found. Addictions are horrible and overwhelming, but they are not medical diseases. I refuse to believe that. Since I made that decision that I am not going to remain an addict forever, my life has shifted. Today, addiction no longer rules my life in total fear. I no longer spend each day feeling that I have no control over my life. I no longer feel scared that my addiction is going to spiral until I become a disgusting, out-of-control creature. I no longer feel that it will be impossible for me to be in a happy and healthy relationship. I am no longer an addict.
Now, do I still struggle with compulsions of sexual behavior? Yes. Throughout each week, I still struggle with these compulsions and still act out on them at times. I have not yet extinguished all such behaviors. But the way it affects my life today is nothing like the way it used to. I used to hate myself (although for many years I couldn’t admit it). I felt that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t achieve the life I wanted. I actually felt crazy and thought it would never go away. But it did. I have healed greatly. That’s what has given me the confidence to share this with you and create this blog.
This message is important for all. Addicts, friends of addicts, family of addicts, and anyone else. Many people struggle with addictions or compulsive behavior. They need to hear this message of hope, and those they love need to hear it. So please. Shout it from the rooftops, and share this blog.
With Love,
Hunter
*sex addiction – compulsive porn/masturbation or other compulsive sexual behaviors that cannot be stopped and cause significant negative impact on an individual’s life.